Who says life isn’t fair?

High school.

Middle school.

Both were terrible for me, and elementary was pretty horrible too. The people that gave me shit have no idea what they put me through. I was beat up, teased (not like a harmless thing, more like a overly aggressive abusive deal). Combined with the other nagative emotional and physical stuff going on outside of school, I was becoming an angry, insolent individual. I read in a Psychology Today (my mom gets them every month) that kids that were popular in school were so because they never let rejection affect them. I still think this is bullshit. I honestly can only guess the reasons why people didn’t like me on first impression, but they didn’t and they made damn sure to let me know through the following 10 years of schooling.

This has come up because I was at a bar tonight and there were people there from high school. Generally speaking I was more or less ignored or not really listened to (with a few exceptions). However, these two kids (one who just arbitrarily started hating me a long time ago in high school, and his buddy who was trying to get a rise out of me for a good laugh) kept saying something to me as I walked by them a few times. I thought about saying something but I didn’t. Why waste my time on them?

I used to think that I was better than them, that’s how I dealt with it. But after tonight I realized that it has nothing to do with me being better or worse than them. Simply because I know that the relationships they have founded are not true ones, that if it came down to it they would find out how many people wouldn’t be there for them, a dramatic change that would show how deep the lie they live really goes. I can sit around and hope for it to happen, but I don’t have to, because these people have already showed me themselves, and if they haven’t changed something so deeply rooted in their own psychology by now, chances are, they won’t.

They will get theirs, everybody does.

I have and will for the things I’ve done.

Life is unbiased in its distribution of negatively affective events.

Stay Alive,

peace

Ca

-2:20am, 7/27/2008

It’s been a long time, been a long time

So I haven’t written anything on here in awhile mainly because I’ve been busy. “But C, Ron Silliman always has a blog up every day!”. Maybe so, but I am not Ron Silliman, nor does Ron Silliman work a third shift job. So if I’m not posting enough just leave it alone, only about 7 of you come to this page anyway, and I even know that there isn’t much of substance on here, especially in terms of poetics. It’ll take time, but that’s all right, what doesn’t?

I’ve also been, aside spending 20 hrs awake (most of it being working hours) and 4hrs sleeping every day, working on getting my CDL Class A license. I got my permit on Thursday and Saturday I went up to the warehouse and practiced driving for the first time. Driving truck isn’t even half as easy as it looks. I can upshift, and downshifting isn’t too terribly hard either; backing up though, forget about it.

Also I’ve been trying to write every day I’m in the truck but I’m mainly spending 2 or 3 days spontaneously writing a few notebook pages of juxtapositions to go toward this long poem. It’s in it’s early stages so what’s great is I don’t have to worry about sticking to the plan and could just use what I have now as smaller poems. (As of right now this isn’t what I’m looking to do).

I’ve also been attempting to work on my harmonica skills. I really need to practice but it’s just an issue of time. I’ve also been working on creating some kind of chord progression that I can write some decent lyrics to.

Also, I tried Guinness last night for the first time with a cute supermodel friend of mine. I don’t think I got a good impression on it, but I was already full of liquor so I think that had something to do with it. We had some good conversation though, pretty complex stuff, good shit, felt good to have that kind of conversation.

I told her about something I haven’t told anybody really. We were talking about how growing up we always wanted what the other kids had, and because we didn’t have it we were separated from them. But after those middle/high school times are over, those kids are no better off and have more or less self-destructed. After that, I postulated these people we knew would only grow older and fall in behind everybody else. I quoted Thoreau to her, from Walden:

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation”.

I first read that in high school and that’s when I decided to start doing things I do now (writing and music) seriously. I told her that if I do these things then I don’t fall in to that category Thoreau was speaking about. The world doesn’t win. I win. Regardless if nobody reads or hears anything I do, I still have ceased to resign myself to that kind of lifestyle. And that is all that matters. Ever.

Stay Alive,

peace

Ca

-3:07pm, 7/20/2008